


You’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for

by kotekru



Series: A man takes his sadness down to the river [3]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:01:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24555859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kotekru/pseuds/kotekru
Summary: Years down the line Jim has settled into a comfortable life aboard the Enterprise, but is it fulfilling? What happens when his beliefs are questioned, and he has to face his disillusionment and broken heart?
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: A man takes his sadness down to the river [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1699948
Kudos: 29





	You’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Beautiful reader!
> 
> This story centers around the events of ST:Beyond. It is intended to be the last part of this story, and so it ends with speculations about what happens to our beloved Jim and Company.  
> This one is less of a character study and more focused on plot and relationships, but mental illness and related themes are still prevalent. For further info on that see end notes.  
> Title is from Richard Siken (yes, again) - You are Jeff
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Jim has always wanted to be among the stars. It always felt like home. But the endless emptiness, the quiet, the stillness set him on edge. Maybe he needed a break, or to stop entirely. He was older now and the excitement of exploration was no longer fulfilling.

The excitement simply couldn’t make up for everything he was missing anymore.

Family, a home, maybe a plant he could try to keep alive. He never thought much about these things before. It seemed out of reach, unrealistic. But the longer time he spent among his crew, the more marriages he officiated, it became clear to him that it was something he wanted too.

As captain though his options were limited to people outside his crew, which only left him with short relationships, a string of lovers strewn across the universe. That thought, more than anything left him aching. He loved deeply and fiercely and the thought that he would leave all of it behind hurt, so after a while, he just stopped.

He still has no idea why people thought of him as a womanizer, it was far from the truth, and it made him uncomfortable that people misunderstood him so deeply.

All these feelings left him a little unmoored. He could feel his depression rearing its ugly head so he did everything he could to stop it from taking control.

His friends were immeasurable help in this regard. When he started to feel himself slipping, he had Bones to call, or Spock to distract him, Sulu and Scotty and Chekov to entertain, and when he needed it Nyota to listen to his thoughts. He kept a tight grip on his time and made sure that everything was organized.

When he saw the memo about a vice-admiral position on Yorktown opening up, he didn’t even read it. But as time went on the thought didn’t leave him. A week later he sent in his application in secret.

He didn’t want any of the crew to find out, he needed to have their trust and confidence and if they caught wind of it that he was trying to jump ship it would shake their faith in him. And if he didn’t get the position it would ruin his captaincy. No one wants to serve under a leader who wants to bail.

He didn’t even tell Spock. He knew it was kind of shitty, that he owed him this much. But he was also running away from him.

When they first left for this mission, they were closer than ever, but as time went on it fell apart. Too late Jim realized that he was in love with him, but as captain, he couldn’t do anything about it. Spock perhaps figured it out because after a while he started to pull away. It hurt so much, but Jim put on a brave face. It worked for a while, but now, years later, living day after day with the constant reminder of the potential of this relationship that never came to fruition just felt like torture.

So yes, he was running, leaving.

When they get the order to go to Yorktown, he is a little anxious that it’s because of him, and that people will find out. It turns out to have nothing to do with him.

The shore leave gives him the chance to meet with Commodore Paris, it gives him assurance that he is doing the right thing, that he is allowed to be selfish.

After the meeting he plans to go around and discover the place a little, try to imagine what it would be like to live here, be surrounded by all this peace and prosperity. To have a chance at a more normal life, family. The commodore is called away and Jim joins her at her request.

He takes the mission without a second thought, almost desperate to get it over with so he can finally take a second of rest and think about his future.

But of course, Jim’s luck will not let this be easy. The Enterprise is attacked, and suddenly he is in survival mode, wading through the chaos.

When the ship goes down, he feels nothing. Or rather he feels resigned to it, he watches Nyota sacrifice herself, he watches as his crew is taken by the attackers, he stands by as the bridge personnel gets into their Kelvin pods. And it all just seems like an insult; it feels personal even as he understands that it is anything but.

As he is entering the atmosphere of the planet, he realizes that it was a trap, and proceeds to beat himself up about it. If he wasn’t preoccupied and distracted, he could have realized sooner, he could have saved lives, avoided the destruction of the Enterprise.

It is at this point that he realizes that he has no idea if Spock and Bones are alive. Suddenly he is filled with anger, pure rage. He wants more than anything to close his hands around the neck of that alien who lured them here.

Then he lands, crashes, and that seems to shake his anger loose. He knows he has to keep his cool. He has a plan now.

Chekov steps up in a big way. Jim is embarrassed to say he still saw him as that young, bright-eyed kid from all those years ago. But he is all grown up, an adult, and without him, Jim would never make it off that godforsaken planet. On the one hand, Chekov is great help, courage and brilliance, on the other his presence forces Jim to remain in the Captain mindset.

When he finds Scotty with a strange girl, he is not even surprised, leave it to Scotty to find the only helpful person on the planet, one who miraculously has a crashed Federation starship in their possessions. Jim would laugh at how absurd that sounds, how incredibly unlikely it all is, instead he just takes in in stride. Questioning his fortune would surely bring about a wrench in the gears and they really can’t afford that right now.

The moment Spock and Bones are rematerialized on the ancient transporter of the Franklin Jim calms down. He hasn’t even realized up until his sigh of relief how desperately worried he had been, now that the two most important people in his life are within eyesight again, he allows his mind to settle.

As Spock is getting patched up, he can’t help himself and needs to keep touching him. More than anything he wants to hold Spock, to feel his warmth and believe that he will be okay. But Spock wouldn’t like that, so he resigns himself to holding him down as Bones does his job.

When Spock suggests they use the volcaya necklace to track Nyota and the crew down Jim almost passes out on the spot. He thought that their relationship has ended all those years ago, after Jim’s brush with death. Apparently not so. There is no time for jealousy, so takes the hail Mary without protest. The plan they come up with is insane, even by their standards, but with Jaylah finally on board they plunge in without hesitation.

Adrenaline and barely contained panic keep him pushing, going. His thoughts are ordered, and he knows what to do, but any time he thinks of Bones, or Spock his heart starts pounding and he feels unmoored.

They manage to get the crew beamed out, everyone is safe, and the sight of Spock soothes him enough that he can keep calm. Unfortunately, Edison gets away and suddenly they are chasing him through space. It’s a race against Edison and time itself, the thought of failure is unfathomable so Jim casts it aside.

In the end it comes down to him and Edison. It feels like he is fighting his own disillusionment and anger and each punch he lands on Edison feels like it lands on him instead.

Edison is taken by the void of space, along with his weapon, and the thought of his death leaves Jim shaking on the floor of the spacecraft Bones and Spock caught him in.

Jim may be holding onto Spock longer and harder than necessary, but he is beyond the point of caring. He barely escaped death, again. They all almost died in fact, and Jim will be damned if he lets go.

Elated he asks Spock “Where would I be without you?!” And it sounds cliché and it sounds silly, but he means it. They share a curious moment where both are imagining the what-ifs, but the thought is unfathomable to both.

Spock and Jim remain entangled on the floor of the little spacecraft until they land several minutes later. It feels like neither of them wants to pull away because it has been too long since they’ve allowed themselves to be close, it almost feels like a real embrace in how deliberately they remain pushed together.

Then their little bubble is popped, and they are scrambling to their feet and springing apart. It’s a whirlwind after that.

There are medical checks, and all kinds of first responders running every which way around them. Briefings and endless meetings follow, they are hounded by news reporters and can’t even step outside without being recognized and bombarded with questions.

Jim is overwhelmed. The whole ordeal shook him apart, his mild depression may be on the backburner for now, but his faith in the ideals of Star Fleet have been brought into question again. Just like after the events with John Harrison and Admiral Marcus, he feels his entire belief system crumble.

Edison’s death shook him. He refuses to see him as Krall, and maybe that’s a problem, but he is unwilling to see the monster in him. It is too easy to forget the value of life, as clearly Edison did forget too.

It feels wrong to feel relief at his death, but in a way, Balthazar Edison unwillingly became Jim’s own insecurity and disillusionment. The worst part is, they may never find out if it was the technology that turned Edison so deranged or if he had that capacity all along.

Jim sees himself so clearly reflected, abandoned, beliefs in the very system he swore to uphold smashed into dust, and he can’t help but wonder if he could be pushed to such soulless cruelty too. The whole ordeal brings back memories of Tarsus and his childhood, and all the times he has been disappointed and hurt and for a moment he lets the weight of it smother him, take his breath and feel the hopeless despair.

Jim contacts his therapist, and they start to work through his problems. It feels familiar, and he lets out a sigh of relief. He held off for a long time, didn’t call because that would be like admitting defeat. But as he sits there in front of his screen and watches a gentle smile stretch his therapist’s face, he allows himself to relax into the process. He should have called sooner and promises that next time he will not wait.

It is the first time they really go into the whole abandonment motif he can see permeate his life. He starts blaming himself for not dealing with it before, starts beating himself up about how different some things could have been if he had. His therapist, of course, reminds him that there is a time for everything, and before now he could not have dealt with any of it. Sometimes we are simply not ready for such truths and even if he had tried to do it before, it may not have worked at all.

That sentiment helps Jim more than he could have expected. It allows him to view his life from a different perspective, missed connections feel less heartbreaking, unresolved issues are less daunting, mistakes seem less heavy to carry.

In the flurry of activity Jim completely forgets about his birthday, or what that means, he forgets about the promotion and about his melancholy. Instead, he spends all of his time with Bones, and Spock, and the rest of his close friends.

When he walks into the hall thanks to a cryptic message from Bones the last thing he expects is all of his friends gathered ready to celebrate with him.

It fills his heart with joy. And at that moment, it just clicks.

He has lost sight of what his purpose was. He thought that he just wanted to be in space and just run around exploring, but you don’t need a brain for that, or a heart, so of course it became depressingly unfulfilling. He was so focused on his broken heart, what with Spock taking a step back from their close relationship, it just all felt empty.

The fact that he was the one to push everyone else away stings. Depression and his general tendency to wallow and enjoy the hurt allowed him to do it seamlessly and easily, and by the time he noticed that he was lonely it felt like he never had anyone in the first place. But that was just his brain lying to him, all the nights he spent talking with Bones, all the game nights they had with Sulu and Chekov, all the time he spent hanging out with Nyota, and every time Scotty and Keenser had to forcibly remove him at the end of poker night just simply disappeared.

Now, standing here, amongst all of his loved ones, he is reminded of his purpose. He doesn’t just want to be in space and go around exploring, he also wants, more than anything, to be surrounded by his family. And they are his family.

Watching Spock and Nyota leaning on each other and share a soft smile sends a jolt of sadness through him. It hurts, and that may never go away, but he is willing to live with it if he gets to be in their lives regardless.

He shares a quiet moment with Spock alone, and his heart beats out of his chest because they hadn’t spoken like this in months. It’s all soft honest words, without anything to hide behind, and there isn’t need to do so either. It feels like coming home after a long time, it feels like the spring sun warming your skin after a cold winter.

The rest of the evening goes by in a blur of happiness and laughter. The playful conversations and hope follow him to bed and Jim sleeps well for the first time in months.

They watch as the new ship that was being built is redesigned and built into the new Enterprise. It takes months. It’s the longest time any of them has spent on solid ground in years. Or well, as solid as Yorktown gets.

Some weeks into watching the new ship being built found Jim and Bones hanging out by the docks, talking and drinking good (aka non-replicated) bourbon. This was the first chance they had to have a private conversation since they’ve been back. That’s how Jim found out that Spock and Nyota have officially ended their relationship.

Nowadays Bones and Spock seemed to be very close and isn’t that a strange concept?! The idea that Jim managed to screw up so bad with Spock that he now preferred the company of the grouchy and illogical Doctor was really a painful thought. At least Jim could count on Bones to tell him about Spock, so he wasn’t too out of the loop.

Before they know the new ship is christened, the Champaign bottle breaks against its side with a satisfying crash, and they are once again on their own.

The corridors are shiny and new, the bridge is state of the art, everything is upgraded and improved, but it feels just a little wrong. Three times in the first week back on the ship Jim gets lost (and on one memorable occasion walks straight into a wall) because the layout is just different enough that they all have to learn it all over again, but similar enough that it’s easy to forget.

That feeling of home that permeated every corner of the previous Enterprise is missing. Jim knows that it just takes time, they just have to get used to it, learn the new twists and turns and the strange new hum of the upgraded engines. But each time he takes a wrong turn or finds a blemish missing he is reminded of just how much they have lost.

After Yorktown was secured and the fleet had the resources, they launched a recovery mission to the planet where they crashed, but there was not much to be saved. Many crew members sought him out to see if any of their private possessions have been found, but there wasn’t much left.

Spock asked about it too and later confided in him that he has lost some artefacts that he had from Vulcan. Jim knew that by artefacts he meant the lute his mother had given him, and some other similarly personal items. That loss sounded devastating, and Jim desperately wanted Spock to know that he feels for him. That he emphasizes with the unimaginable loss, the unthinkable heartbreak.

This interaction allowed them to finally get over whatever wall they have built between them. The understanding that they mostly just have the connections they make along their journey solidified in both of them the true significance of their relationship.

It takes the crew months to stop feeling like they are in some badly constructed funhouse version of the enterprise. Finally, the feeling of home is starting to settle back into the walls and there are new scratches on the floor that Scotty can grumble about.

Poker night is back on, and Jim takes up fencing with Sulu for the fun of it. He goes to bother Bones after almost every shift and lets him dote on him like the mother hen he should have been born as every time he gets hurt.

It’s almost like old times, except Jim also manages to finally be a good friend to Nyota. He is embarrassed that it took him so long, that he let his hurt feelings get in the way, but they turn out to be more alike than either expected. It’s one of the things he is most grateful for.

It’s maybe a year after they have left Yorktown behind that Jim realizes how happy he is to have turned down the promotion. For a while, he thought it might have been a mistake, that without the ability to settle down he could never have the family he always dreamed of. He was wrong.

They are sitting in the mess hall listening to Nyota sing, while Scotty and Chekov joke around. Jim feels content in such a meaningful way that it takes him a second to notice Bones sloshing his (very illegal) bright blue drink on him. He is animatedly explaining about some strange alien biology ‘fact’ he heard about back at the academy and dutifully fighting Sulu about their truth value.

Jim just smiles and lets the feeling of home and family surround him. And as he looks to Spock next to him, meeting amused brown eyes, and gently runs his hand along pale green fingers as they share in the mirth, he knows he will never want anything else.

Surrounded by family, he is exactly where he wants to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Themes from the previous two instalments are mentioned (like depression, mania, panic attacks, PTSD). Currently, Jim is experiencing a milder depressive episode. Mentions of (near) death experiences. Catastrophizing, defeatist thinking. Mentions of genocide.
> 
> If you think any of this might be a problem, please take care and consider not reading!
> 
> Be strong and remember that there is always hope and help!  
> You can find me on tumblr @ kotekru


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